Why is it so hard to ask for help?

When Did Needing Help Become a Bad Thing?

We often look at people around us and admire them for how independent they are. We think of them as strong and reliable - able to manage alone. All good qualities, but sometimes I wonder if we at times can just be too independent? Over the years we might develop a belief that being capable and independent means we don’t have to rely on other people, or them letting us down. We might think “they have enough going on, without having to deal with me too”. We can also have the view that asking for help makes us seem week or incompetent.

It could be that when we were growing up we were told things like “get on with it” or “you’ve got to learn to stand on your own two feet. These sorts of messages can become rules that we live by without really questioning them.

But….when did being independent start meaning we had to do it all alone?

Being Able to Cope Doesn't Mean We Have To

Picture this - you’ve just been to Tesco for shopping and carrying a few heavy bags. Someone offers to carry a couple for you - but you refuse. Not because you don’t need the help to carry them, but just because you feel you should be able to manage yourself.

You get back to the car - exhausted and with a sore back, but was that struggle really necessary?

We can be exactly the same with emotional difficulties. We might feel stressed at work, have money problems, relationship issues and lots on our minds. We can tell ourselves that we just need to get on with it, that we should be able to cope. We often don’t seek out the help that might really benefit us because we believe we should be capable enough to do it alone.

At times, we can make things so much harder for ourselves in the long run by not asking for help or accepting help.

What Does Asking for Help Mean to Us?

We might feel that asking for help is an inconvenience. We might think it is like admitting defeat. It might look like incompetence. It might make people think of me in a different light. Maybe we have always been the one everyone else turns to for help, and asking for help just feels wrong.

My wife and I have talked a lot about the concept of just taking people at their word. It can be hard to learn to do this, but very rewarding to not have to ask the questions about whether they mean what they are saying, if they are happy or not.

But it's worth asking ourselves whether these are facts or simply conclusions we've drawn. If a friend came to us and said they were struggling, would we automatically think they were weak or incapable? Would we lose respect for them because they needed some support? We wouldn’t, so why do we apply different rules to ourselves?

Why Is Accepting Help Sometimes Even Harder?

There's another interesting side to this. Sometimes we don't even need to ask. Someone offers to help, and we still turn them down. We might say, “I don’t want to put you to any bother,” even when the person has offered. We might insist that we don’t need the help and that everything is fine. We might feel that by accepting help offered to us we are then indebted, or have even lost a bit of control.

For some of us, giving other people help feels much easier than receiving it. We're happy to support other people in whatever way we can, but uncomfortable allowing them to do the same for us. Maybe we have just become so used to being the person who manages everything that we don’t actually know how to let others take some of the weight off our shoulders.

Maybe, by repeatedly refusing help - we don't give the people who care about us the opportunity to support us in the way we'd happily support them.

What Would Happen If We Said Yes?

Maybe the next time someone offers to help us, we could take a breath and pause before automatically refusing help. Instead of saying “no I’m fine” - why not ask ourselves why we are so reluctant to accept the help. What feelings do we have about saying yes.

We can start with something small. Maybe ask a colleague to help you with a piece of work or ask a family member to assist with something in the house.

It might feel unfamiliar at first and maybe even uncomfortable - especially if we’ve spent years believing doing everything ourselves is best. But feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean we are doing anything wrong, it just means we are trying something new that we aren’t used to, and that is ok!

Strength Doesn't Have to Mean Doing Everything Alone

Being independent is great! But so is recognising when we might need help. We never question other people who ask us for support - and usually we are happy they have trusted us enough to ask.

Maybe strength isn't always about how much we can carry without anyone noticing.

Maybe sometimes it's about recognising when we don't need to carry it all ourselves.

So how about the next time someone asks you if you need a hand give real thought to whether “no I’m fine” really is the best response. Think about accepting the help offered - and see how it makes you feel.