Are You Spending Your Energy on Things You Can't Control?

Have you ever spent half an hour worrying about something you can't actually do anything about?

Replaying a conversation that's already happened, wondering what someone thinks of you or worrying about whether you'll get the job

We can spend so muchf time and energy trying to control things that were never entirely ours to control in the first place.

The Circle of Control

One useful idea often explored in CBT is the Circle of Control.

It's a simple way of looking at where we're directing our attention and energy.

Imagine dividing the things we're worrying about into three categories:

• Things we can control

• Things we can influence, but not control

• Things outside our control

What Can We Actually Control?

Let's imagine you've applied for a job you really want. You've spent time preparing, researching the company and getting ready for the interview.

Now you're waiting to hear back. You find yourself checking your emails constantly.

What if I didn't answer that question properly?

What if they've already chosen someone else?

What if I don't get it?

You replay the interview, searching for things you could have said differently.

But here's the reality.

You can control how you prepare, whether you attend the interview and how you choose to respond to questions.

You can influence the outcome by presenting yourself well.

But you cannot control the final decision, and no amount of worrying afterwards will change what you said in that interview.

That's where the Circle of Control becomes useful., as it encourages us to recognise the difference between taking responsibility for our actions and trying to take responsibility for an outcome that isn't entirely ours.

What About the Things We Can Influence?

This is where the Circle of Control becomes a little more interesting, as not everything fits neatly into can control or can't control.

Some things sit somewhere in between.

Think about a relationship. You cannot control how another person feels, what they think or how they behave, but you can influence the relationship through how you communicate, the effort you make and the boundaries you establish.

You can apologise when you've made a mistake, you can explain how something has affected you, you can listen actively.

But you cannot guarantee the other person's response. Recognising this difference can help us stop carrying responsibility for things that don't belong entirely to us.

Why Do We Keep Worrying About Things We Can't Change?

Sometimes worrying gives us a sense that we're doing something useful. If we think about a problem long enough, perhaps we'll find a way to prevent something bad from happening.

We might believe that worrying means we're being responsible or prepared. But there's a difference between thinking about a problem to find a solution and going over the same uncertainty without getting anywhere.

One helps us take action - The other can leave us feeling exhausted.

In CBT, we can explore the thoughts and beliefs that keep these patterns going.

For example:

If I worry enough, I'll be prepared for anything.

If someone is upset with me, I have to make it right.

If something goes wrong, it means I didn't try hard enough.

These beliefs can place an enormous amount of pressure on us.

And they aren't always accurate.

Letting Go Isn't the Same as Giving Up

Sometimes the idea of accepting what we can't control sounds like we're being asked to stop caring, but that's not what it means at all.

We can care deeply about an outcome without being able to guarantee it.

We can love someone without being responsible for every decision they make.

We can work hard without knowing whether we'll succeed.

We can prepare for the future without being able to predict it.

Acceptance isn't always about liking a situation. Sometimes it's about recognising the limits of what we can change.

And when we recognise those limits, we can make better choices about where to put our time and effort.

One Question Worth Asking

The next time something is occupying your thoughts, ask yourself:

"Is there something I can actually do about this, or am I trying to control something that isn't mine to control?"

If there's something you can do, perhaps that's where your energy belongs.

And if there isn't?

Maybe the challenge isn't to think about it harder.

Maybe it's learning to live with not having all the answers.

Because we have a limited amount of time and energy. How much of yours is being spent on things you can't change?