Why do we remember criticism for years - but forget compliments - if we even accept them?

Someone tells us we've done a great job. What is our automatic response? Do we smile and say thanks then just continue with our day? Sometimes I wonder if it is just a Scottish stereotype that we can’t accept praise, or if it is just how we all are as humans.

Someone makes only one slightly critical comment. Three years later, we can still remember exactly what they said, where we were and how it made us feel.

Why does criticism seem to stick in our minds - yet compliments somehow disappear instantly?

Our minds don't treat everything equally

You’d think that if we get ten positive comments and one negative - they would balance themselves out…..

But that's not always how it is.

Our attention can be naturally drawn towards things that seem threatening, uncomfortable or potentially important.

A compliment might feel nice.

Criticism can feel like something we need to do something about and our mind holds onto it.

What we already believe matters

Imagine someone already doubts their ability at work.

Their boss says:

“You've done a really good job with this.”

They might think:

They're just being nice.

Anyone could have done it.

It wasn't that hard a job.

But if the same manager later says:

“There's a mistake here.”

Suddenly:

I knew I wasn't good enough.

Notice what happened.

The compliment was questioned.

The criticism was accepted as evidence.

We can become very good at dismissing the positive

It doesn't always look obvious.

We might say:

I was just lucky.

They had to say that.

It was nothing.

Anyone would have done the same.

Without realising it, we're explaining away information that doesn't fit with how we already see ourselves.

Yet when something negative fits that belief, we may accept it without questioning it at all.

Try treating both as evidence

The aim isn't to convince ourselves we're brilliant at everything. Nobody is!

But ignoring positive feedback isn’t good.

If someone criticises us, we can ask ourselves:

Is this fair? Is there something useful I can take from it?

But when someone compliments us, perhaps we can ask something too:

What if they're right?

Rather than immediately explaining the compliment away, try allowing it to count.

A more balanced picture

CBT isn't about replacing every negative thought with a positive one.

It's about looking at the fuller picture.

That means recognising mistakes and areas we'd like to change without allowing them to become the entire story of who we are.

And it means allowing the positive evidence to have a place too.

So next time someone gives you a genuine compliment, notice what your mind does with it.

If your immediate response is “Yeah, but…” why not try taking a pause and stopping before the “but”.

You don't have to argue with every nice thing someone says about you.

Sometimes you can simply say - thank you. Take it on board and accept the encouragement you have been given!